Human

Hey. You. Yes you. I see you. You aren't as clever and unique as you think. Unlike most stories, you aren't in the corner are you? You are in the center, you are in the center of it all. I know you. I know your kind. May I just take a moment to ask you when you stopped being human?

You see, I've noticed you on the streets. I see you as you walk fast, with a definite mission. Nobody can stop you. If you get something in your head, you will accomplish it. If you were a T-shirt you would say, "Accomplisher of goals". If you were a song, it would lead with, "This is the story of facts". Not a single person doubts your abilities. but you do, don't you? 

You see, unlike everyone else, I know that in the deepest darkest depths of your thoughts, you wonder why if you can accomplish so many things, than why (please answer me this) WHY can you not accomplish your MIND? Why does your clever, your witty stop and end there?

Put aside the accomplishments, and your brain is an empty wall. This isn't pity on your part. In your mind this is deserving. What people DON'T see is that in YOUR head it is your civic duty to be perfect. You are not allowed to collapse. You have to fix everything and everyone.You have to uphold your arrogance.  You are not allowed to be human. 

Humans are emotional. You can't be that. 

It is scary to feel. 

It is terrible to consider for just a single moment, that maybe MAYBE you might be human enough to accept your emotions. Crying is wrong. Feeling is your fault. You may only be happy EVER. You may only smile. You may only ever be smart, witty, strong. You can't let others see you are indeed human. 

If they see...they might hurt you?

What people don't see, is that next to your clever, your strong, is an overflowing bucket of YEARS worth of hidden emotions. It is full, and for the last few years, you my dear have been careless. I have watched you, thinking nobody saw. I watched your bucket seep out. When it seeps out you are lost. You are no longer strong and witty. This causes you to panic. Suddenly strong is gone, and you are a baby mouse trying to stay above the water. 

Stop filling that bucket. 

Poke a hole in the bottom and let it splash on the ground. 

Better yet RIP IT APART LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD and throw the emotions everywhere. 

SCREAM OUT LOUD.

Experience,Every.Single.One

Humble Pie

I feel like, being a stay at home parent has made me more humble. When you stay at home, people like to pretend they don't judge you, but they do. You are usually judged in one of two ways. First, you are either judged by those who assume you want to fill your womanly duties, or second you are judged by those who assume there is nothing better for you than to stay home and raise a bunch of children. Have you ever asked yourself, why you feel that way about those who choose to stay home? Was it your personal upbringing? Is it because you yourself, don't actually have any clue what goes into the work of being the stay at home parent? 

First of all, my husband and I had many discussions on who would stay home. It always boiled down to it that I knew he was extremely extroverted and being home would be hard on him mentally. I am an introvert, and slightly obsessed with hoarding myself into my own sanctuary, so have no problems being shut off from the outside world. You know that's what we sign up to do right? 

When choosing to be the stay at home parent, we sign our rights away from having a normal amount of adult communication. At first it is fun, not getting dressed, watching T.V. during the day, getting those things you have had on your list waiting for you finally be accomplished! Than the kids get older and you have to take them everywhere for things that only they will truly enjoy, while you get to wait and watch. You devote your life to feeding schedules, pooping schedules, sleeping schedules, extracurricular schedules, listening to them fight with their siblings schedules, and you soon find you have to get dressed and when you get 3 minutes to breathe, you spend that very valuable time...sleeping. 

That's not even bad! If you truly enjoy being a stay at home parent, you will find through the struggle of accepting your position as a glorified nanny, you really love raising and watching your children grow up. What is bad, is when the adults around you take you for granted and assume your self-worth is less than. When did wanting to watch our children grow up become looked down upon?Can you ask yourself that? I have had MANY a times in a room full of adults, where I know they wont ask me how my day is, or what work is like, or what I am up to, because they assume I am nothing other than a mom. When you go to work, do you come home and assume you are still the position you have at your job? Are you a lawyer at home? Are you a doctor at home? No? I didn't think so. So start understanding, that though we will always be parents, we are also people. Humans. Individuals that enjoy life just like the rest of us. If you are in the room with a bunch of adults, ask the stay at home parent what they have been up to lately. They may scoff and say, "Haha you know just watching kids", but still try to engage with them. Chances are, they are just so used to people ignoring them, that they genuinely don't know what to say. 

Thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook and other social media platforms, we have the wonderful opportunity to spread our opinions. We choose sides based on fictitious memes and assume rights based on likes. What happened to genuine conversation, and caring for those around us? Being humble, and wanting those we love to succeed instead of fall? Put your ego aside, and tell someone who may not know it that you love them. and goddammit put your phone down! 

Why it is never ok to settle for your health

A lot of times, I ask myself, "Why am I becoming a nutritionist"? Aside from the obvious fact that I really dig the holistic side of life, it comes down to so much more. In fact, being in school has rather been difficult for me, more than rewarding because it has forced me to take a hard look at reality in the form of my health.

Something people are not aware of, is that a lot of those delicious foods that taste wonderful, but have absolutely no form of health for us whatsoever, have purposefully added chemicals to addict us to them. You may chuckle, but sugar (and I'm talking high fructose corn syrup) is a chemical not derived all from natural resources, but rather made in lab...to make you crave it. There are legit assholes out there doing that. True story

So you find yourself, constantly wondering, WHY can't I stop eating this stuff? What is wrong with me? It really is not you, but rather a chemical you have been ingesting that has given you an addiction. This stuff is in everything. Even things we wouldn't consider sweet. We find ourselves often day dreaming about it, and yet we can't understand the correlation between not being able to let it go. We blame our health (mental and physical) on everything else in the world, but we don't dare sit down and accept that it could be our lovely sweet and caring food. What do you do when you are sad? You eat. What do you do when you are happy? You eat. We have trained our brains and body that food is our comfort mechanism, and therefore without this we could not possibly be happy? Wrong.

Growing up in a loving and health conscious family, I can say I was lucky enough to be aware of a lot of this as a child. Though, when I got out on my own I still became attracted to bad foods. Just to clarify, I am STILL struggling, so please don't assume this comes from a place of perfectionism. Around 20 I started to notice a dramatic decline in my health. First it was constant anemia. Than it was raging periods with headaches and cramps to where I couldn't leave my house on the first day. Than it was weight gain, followed by not being able to crap for a week at a time, to going ALLL the time. To blood tests saying my thyroid was prepping to fail, and that what I was feeling all these years was finally showing up as proof on my blood tests. I thought I wanted this proof, like maybe it could be used as an excuse, so I could hide behind the truth I already knew. Of course I have low energy, Im an anemic! Of course I gain weight... I have Hashimoto's disease! Of course I have crappy periods, I have had 3 kids and my hormones are messed up. Yet, when it came down to it, I had to take a GOOD hard look around and see that the only disease here was myself. Me. I have done this to myself.

When you have a doctor look you in the face and say, "yes someday we will likely have to take your thyroid out or put you on permanent medication", you start to see the truth more clearly. Yet, how sad is it that we can't stop and see what we are doing to ourselves until we are SO far gone? Yet, you know what? It is NEVER too late. I just wont take no as answer when it comes to my health. I won't continue to ruin my body, and use my diagnosis as an excuse.

So back to my point, it is just never okay to ruin your body, and than when you finally get that proof that you don't feel good...give up. You keep trying. Every damn day if you have to! Somedays, you will MOST definitely fuck up. You will eat that cheeseburger, and you will choose to have that popcorn at the movies with your family. It is ok. We are not meant to be all or nothing people. If we do that, we have a very high chance that we will fail, and the guilt will push us back into that mode of giving up and having bad days every day. In fact when you start, you may only have 3 good days, but you know what? That is 3 days you didn't have bad days. That is 3 days, that you cared about your health.

So why do I want to be a nutritionist? Is it to tell you that for the rest of your life, you can only eat cabbage leaves and drink bone broth? Or that if you sniff a cookie you will get diabetes? Nope. Not even close. What I would love, is to be able to show people that it is really ok to start at whatever age, progression of disease, etc. We are not forever doomed. We DO have another option instead of voluntarily taking our thyroid out. We can start by acknowledging our part in our body's history. We can start by loving ourselves so much, that we want to not feel like crap anymore.

This is not where I end by saying, "Trust me it is SO easy". It is not easy. It is fucking hard. Even still, with all of my knowledge of health, I will occasionally and guilt free have something that I shouldn't eat. I will choose that cookie over the salad sometimes. I like to do the 80/20 method each week. 80% of the time I aim for healthy, and 20% of the time I give myself some lenience. Again, if you expect to come out of the gate swinging perfectionism after a lifetime of eating crappy foods, you will fail. Small steps. Cut out soda first? Than work on upping your water intake. Slow small steps to see the change in how you feel. Slow small steps towards not feeling like a shell of who you could be.

I will never be...

I will never be the mom who creates Pinterest fun, and will most likely always buy playdough from the store

I will never be the mom who bounces back into her pre baby body even 12 years postpartum

I will never be the most put together woman when running errands and will likely have just discovered an outfit 5 seconds before leaving

I will never be the best at discussing politics, and may at times even need you to refresh my memory on what exactly shit is 

I will never be the best in my field even though I try

I will never have the most well-thought out responses to my kids behaviors, and will probably say the wrong thing sometimes

What I will be is...

I will always be the mother that loves you the most, the person who you can count on when you need a bandaid or to kiss your boo-boos

I will always be the mother with a soft tummy you can melt into when you hug me

I will always leave at the drop of a pin to help you, even if that means todays outfit is from the dirty clothes

I will always make you laugh 

I will always try my hardest even if I fail

I will always own my faults and be there to apologize and put my ego aside

An ode to babyhood

I often come back to this blog and contemplate "what" exactly to write about? I read back on my previous posts and laugh, smile, sometimes cry. I have spent all of my 20's being a mother. I will never regret that, but I am in a weird spot where for the first half I willingly gave up being young and learning about myself. Which instead was dedicated to late night feedings and talks about baby poop. Everyone else I knew was busy being young, youthful, and carefree. I do not even in the slightest regret my decision to have a family young. Just like on every side, there are benefits and there are parts that sometimes suck. 

Now I am approaching the end of my 20's, and most of those same people I envied during my late night walks around the house carrying a crying infant..are having babies of their own. Funny enough, I am finding myself slightly jealous of them again. All I have known is being a busy mother to babies/toddler, and now I finally have that (semi) free time and it is scary! Most of us do this, regardless of our age. We throw ourselves into our children, strive to be that perfect Pinterest parent, convince ourselves that watching Frozen for the 3rd time really is what we want to be doing on a Friday night. and sometimes it is! and than..they start to get a little older. You realize...it is OK to take that baby gate off of the stairs. You realize it is OK to let them sleep in a big girl bed, and yes you can play in the backyard by yourself for a little bit. All of the time and energy you spilled into being there for them 24/7, slaps you in the face when you realize they don't need you as much and you don't know what to do with your time anymore. Sure, they definitely still need you, but in a new way; a foreign way you are not used to. A way that doesn't require you to stay up till 2 am dance walking around the living room while whispering "shhh" into their ears. They don't need you to nurse their boo-boo's away, and they don't need you cut up their food into tiny little pieces anymore. They don't want to hold your hand anymore as they walk, and they choose to run instead of crawl. In the same breathe you are excited for their achievements, a little piece of your heart breaks. and when it is your last baby, it is as if someone is fast forwarding all of those same moments from the last and you have to brace yourself to remember it before it is over. 

Hopefully, you haven't read this far and discovered you now have a fear of having children due to my words. Its equal parts wonderful, as it can be equal parts horrendous. I willingly put my heart and soul into these children, and would do it 20 times over and over again. Yet, even though they are still little kids, their eager need for independence from me, means I also need to learn how to gain my independence as well. This is where the struggle is, since I spent most of my youth singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", instead of finding myself in the big bad world. Just as my kids struggle with finding themselves, I will also be doing the same. 

Everyone learns, and grows, and is put on repeat for the rest of their life. There is no part of your life where you can say, "Ok I am done growing now". I am certain I will have this feeling at every transition of my life. When Sophie has her first play date without me there, or when Violet asks to go to the school dance, or when they graduate, etc. For every moment they have in their life and learn to grow..so will I. I will have to find myself to be a better mother. I want to have the ability to tell them someday when/if they are older to say, "It is ok, this is normal and you will get through this". I find a small comfort in that. <3 font="" nbsp="">

So you have an autoimmune disease?

Most if not just about all of my life, I have been very healthy. Raised by the most incredibly healthy nutritionist of a mother I never had to struggle with health. Than I had babies. You know how everyone says, "When you are pregnant you can eat whatever you want"? I took it too literally. I didn't wok out and I adored new foods like hot dogs and pizza. OMG pizza...so much pizza.
Fast forward to baby number 3. I always lost my baby weight for the most part so really thought I had some secret upper hand in that department.

So I had baby number 3, breastfeed for 18 months and DID lose all that glorious baby/pizza weight. Than I gained it back. In 3 months. Suddenly, I had a new found love of nutrition (funny how that works). I decided this was my fault and I was the only one who could fix it. I worked out every day, I ate beautifully, I stayed the same weight. Not only did I gain weight, I became depressed, I lost my energy, and I felt lost. I would go to professionals who suggested I go on anti-depressants and that I was just adapting to motherhood with 3. People would say, "Everyone has a shitty metabolism and gains weight after 3 kids". I did not feel like my voice was heard. I gave in. I spent a year eating great and working out, and still feeling like death.

Finally, I decided my love for the holistic lifestyle would push me into seeing a Naturopath. She was wonderful and caring and most importantly said, "Hey this isn't normal"! Did some blood tests and a few months later I discovered I have an autoimmune disease called, "Hashimoto's". It is basically a condition that attacks your thyroid, pushing you into extreme levels of hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism. Mine was hypo which explained why everything I had been doing was in vain. It also explained why I was severely anemic.

So its been 3 weeks into my new supplement/thyroid medication regimen and I feel completely different. I have energy, I can play with my kids, I can think! I am so grateful I found someone willing to dig a little deeper. This journey has pushed me into finishing my degree for nutrition. We have a growing epidemic of autoimmune disorders. IT is scary how common it is to have one. Some say it is a genetic predisposition mixed with environmental factors. None of this surprises me since we live in the most unhealthy country.

To sum this up, my point is to fight for yourself. Many people will have advice about your body, but only you know what is normal and what feels right. Autoimmune diseases suck ass. They can leave you feeling like a shell of yourself. Fixing the root cause and accepting that you are where you are is the first part. I can't wait to see how I feel by the end of the year.

A day in the life of...a parent of three

See that face? Yeah that's the luck of disgust over the fact that I dared to give her an egg salad sandwich. 

Yesterday, I whined to my husband about my life and why I am where I am. After spending the entire Sunday attempting to watch one (yes ONE) movie, I asked myself WHY..why even attempt this movie? Than with a forceful "challenge accepted" I spent 20 minutes watching it..and 2 hours in between each 20 minute spurt being a parent. Right as I would sit down to re-play it, I would be met with things like, "Don't worry mom I've picked out a great outfit for Freya to wear tomorrow" from Violet...at like 10 pm at night. I'm not worried kid! I could care less if she wore the pajamas she is currently sleeping in if you JUST let me finish this movie! Why! Why is it so hard when we become parents to watch things on the T.V? Is there a secret club our children go to, to discuss ways to make us pull our hair out? This is how a following day, the previous week had gone. 

I wake up. Instead of being greeted by the sounds of cheerful birds, I am greeted by the screaming of 3 tiny terrors down below. "Violeeetttt I said I was going to sit there later"!!! While the two older fight, I hear the baby screaming at Daddy because he is trying to get ready for work. That's my cue. I know he is probably down there feeling how I do about 6 hours into the day. I rush downstairs and am seriously half awake. I have never been a morning person and never will. People tell me time after time, you have kids you get used to waking early. I just don't. I try to scramble my body to the kitchen to throw something, anything down my throat, so that I can boost my blood sugar and maybe become a cognitive member of society. I make it maybe 5 steps and I am approached by Sophie violently crying, "Mom Violet totally knew I was going to sit there". I look over at Violet who is beaming wildly while sitting in a spot on our massive couch. Happy she got her sisters goat. This is probably where I should interject and be a parent, but I keep walking to the kitchen. I feel like a warrior muffling out the sounds of gunshots, while I try to grab a cracker..something. Jared is in the bathroom frantically trying to get ready while the toddler scratches at his legs. I pull her off of him and throw her in the highchair with some sort of food to gain 5 minutes of freedom. 

Maybe 15 minutes later, Jared has left and dropped Sophie off at school. I have attempted to find some maybe clean clothes, and pair it with a fancy coat to pretend I have my shit together. It's pissing rain outside, so I put on the girls rain boots and raincoats. Oh did you think it was that easy? First, Violet purposefully puts them on the wrong feet, while Freya takes her off 6 times after I put them on. I contemplate sending Violet to school with no shoes and letting them walk barefoot in the rain, but get some sanity together and walk outside to the car. This is the part where the toddler goes apeshit. As we walk to the car in the pissing rain, she decides...maybe I want to sit in a puddle? I quickly grab her and continue walking while she is flailing in my arms and pulling my hair. "Puddllleeeeeee" she screams as I buckle her in. I look down and realize I am 5 minutes late. I give myself a high five because that's pretty damn awesome only being 5 minutes late! 

We drop sister off at preschool and barely make back into the door, when toddler screams, "DanieLLL". I have no issue giving in and plop Daniel Tiger onto the T.V. I sit. I enjoy sitting. Toddler does too. Right on my face. I move her over to sit on my lap and am met with an elbow jab in the eye. I being to feel like we are in a wrestling tournament and I am losing. She can't just watch Daniel Tiger quietly, she needs to practice her acrobatics for the upcoming Olympics. 

Blee Bloop 2ish so hours later, we pick Violet back up from preschool, and when I walk in the door I am met with demands of what they all would like for lunch. I feel like I am suddenly a 4 star chef and everyone expects that I cook the best of the best. I whip up some homemade egg salad sandwiches with fresh blueberries and carrot sticks. Violet loves it! Score! Toddler looks at me and dumps her entire plate on the floor, "No". I am pretty sure a piece of me dies in that moment. It's a battle of whits and I am always losing. I go back and make a quick almond butter sandwich and as I hand it to her she exclaims, "thank you mommy". I feel weird accepting that.

Aww nap time. The time parents sleep. Or read. Or Facebook. We never really clean. Why would you do that? Yet no, instead I have homework because stupidly I thought I could finish my degree with 3 children! I begin to sit down reading about amino acids, when I hear loudly from Violet's room, "Let it GOOOO". I try to let it go. I tell myself I am better than this. "Daddy finger, Daddy finger, where are youooooo". Eventually she will fall asleep I tell myself. "Sugar, YES PLEASE". I know we shouldn't stifle their imagination but damnit I did and told her it was nap time and to quiet down. Maybe I said that for my own benefit? It didn't help. Instead she decided to loudly play at her Elsa ice castle. Eventually she fell asleep with her crown on under the bed, but whatever. By the time SHE had fallen asleep tiny terror toddler wakes up. I here her in there sweetly singing, and for a minute I am reminded why I love my children. I go gather her a snack and creep upstairs to meet those sweet toddler smiles. As I approach mid stairs I smell something god awful. It's obviously not egg salad since she loudly declared that was a no. I creep to the door and hear, "Oh no". As I open the door I see she has ripped her diaper off because it was too gross after pooping in it, and proceeded to use her entire bed sheet as toilet paper. and the walls. Now this is not something I am proud of, but I cried. I had ALMOST finished my paper on amino acids and I knew it would need to wait. As I pick her up under the armpits to hose her down in the tub, I see Violet wide awake 15 minutes later. 

While hosing off shitty toddler I begin to laugh and Im unsure if its because I've calmed down or if I really truly have lost my mind. I declare both. 

Kids begin playing together for a little bit while every so often one cries or declares the other is toy thief. I half heartedly interject while realizing I am starving. Now, every parent knows you don't eat in front of your kids, if they aren't eating. It is like a cardinal rule. Unless it's salad. Than you are good. I go hide in bathroom and eat a quick egg salad sandwich. Violet stands outside the bathroom yelling, "MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING". This is my lunch break. 

Older sister comes homes, and I throw older sister and Violet in the backyard. "There go be kids"! I declare. I sit on the couch and I'm not even half kidding, Violet comes inside "I'm done outside". I exclaim they should try to play for a little bit more. Suddenly I hear screams from outside and I race out there to see them huddling together dramatically. I ask what is wrong and Sophie gets out, "We wanna come inside we saw a bug". In this moment I ask myself why I can't have kids that like and need to be dirty. Don't all kids love dirt? Isn't this one of THEIR cardinal rules? 

 At this point I am checking the minutes for Jared to walk into that door so I can go..somewhere quiet! My day gets progressively better when daddy is home and eventually we lay the little heathens down and collapse on the couch. This isn't even one of the worst days. We look at each other with those eyes that say, "I'm so tired I cant even physically say the words". We slowly push each other upstairs to lay down and go to bed. This is the part where I say something corny about how we tucked the kids in and thought how worth it it all was. There really is something about sleeping kids that makes you forget for 5 minutes how terrible they really can be when they are awake haha