I need a million dollars..STAT

Just kidding about the above line thougha million dollars would be amazing. I am currently sitting on my ass in Jareds sweats and "Rock out with your Cock Out" T-Shirt. I am contemplating life and how awesome it is...........

LOVE IT

When I am bothered... I write

Due to the nature of this title it is obvious something is on my mind. Wether or not to post it on a blog than anybody can read is beyond me, but I need to put it somewhere so why not here.

My time and energy has been wasted on stupid thoughts. I always have this huge problem of not being satisfied. I do all these things and leanr different things just to see if my button will read, "satisfied". I wish I could just concentrate on what make sme happy. I ahve found ever since I have become a mother all I concentrate is how to be that perfect mother. I have been acting a certain way in hopes of fullfilling that hope. I remember a couple years back I was completely happy with myself. I had things I loved to do and did not care what people thought of it. I so miss this! why is it that we as a people get so caught up in trying to be something we are not? Last night I made a cake. It was the first time in a long time that I did something I enjoyed. I didn't try to worry about how much fat was in the cake and if it was healthy enough... I just baked. This used to be one of my favorite things and it has been so long since I have done it. I actually sold my easel at a garage sale and thought it would be ok...its not. Sophie will love me for who I am.. not who I want to be. So I am going to try and concentrate on what makes me.. me!

Whats my role again..?

I find it hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong.. I absolutly adore my daughter. I just find it hard when I can not recognize what my role is besides a mother. I LOVE being a mother but I also love having that personal satisfaction. I still have goals and dreams just like every other person out there and just because I am a mother doesn't mean I have to stop them. It only means I should include them into every hope and dream. When I concentrate on what I want to accomplish in life it comes down to one important thing. Have Sophie be proud of me. So all of those hopes and dreams are only ways to help accomplish that goal.

Fall Is Here!

I love fall so much it has put me in a great mood. I am really looking forward to things to come. 2011 will bring so many happy things for me. I will be getting married, and I will be starting an internship. Plus hopefully I will pass my medical assistant test. So many things I am looking forward to. But:
I need to concentrate on the present! I need to just relax and pay attention to what is going on now! I tend to get a little ahead of myself.

Enjoy the fall!

Long Beach 2010

Cabin Fever

I have cabin fever. I feel like my routine is wake up feed baby, forget to feed self, entertain baby,feed baby again, lay baby down for nap, homework, clean house, feed baby and jared, bed. I never leave the house and when I do it is for like a short little stroll around the house. I am gettin so overwhelmed. I never saw myself forgetting who exactly I was...

Jared and I had a talk today and we agree that I need to get out.. by my self. I need to get away from baby,, frommy day to day rituals. So we are going to get a Thorbecks membership. this way I go back to one of MY favorite things. YOGA. It calms and relaxes me.

Here is a list of why I need this:

1.) I am gettin sloppy on my routine

I am starting to feel like a robot and the only way I can stop is by rebelling so I get sloppy.

2.) Depression

I get depressed from being home alone all day. My only person to talk to is an adorable little girl who replies, "No, No", to everything.

The thing is that I love Sophie and Jared very very much but everyone needs a little "Me" time. People forget once they have children that they are still their own seperate being. I feel I will be a better mom if I am happy inside.

Not a robot.. :)

Happy As A Clam

Now I know I only work two days a week and I am glad I contribute to the family but I hate leaving Sophie. I get a weird sense of saddness when I go to work. I have always seen myself as a SAHM, and as I get closer and closer to finishing school it is a bittersweet feeling. One of accomplishment, and one of a lose. I will have to become a full-time 40hrs a week mom. Not that I have anything against that life style its just I like mine more. I like seeing EVERY little thing. I dont like the though of daycare either. I didn't have my children just to let someone else raise them. Sophie is currently being watched by my mother for those two hours that overlap Jared and I's scehdule. All I am saying is... I want to better myself but the next time I have a baby I dont want only 3 months before I have to shove them into daycare... what to do??