August 1, 2016

An ode to babyhood

I often come back to this blog and contemplate "what" exactly to write about? I read back on my previous posts and laugh, smile, sometimes cry. I have spent all of my 20's being a mother. I will never regret that, but I am in a weird spot where for the first half I willingly gave up being young and learning about myself. Which instead was dedicated to late night feedings and talks about baby poop. Everyone else I knew was busy being young, youthful, and carefree. I do not even in the slightest regret my decision to have a family young. Just like on every side, there are benefits and there are parts that sometimes suck. 
Now I am approaching the end of my 20's, and most of those same people I envied during my late night walks around the house carrying a crying infant..are having babies of their own. Funny enough, I am finding myself slightly jealous of them again. All I have known is being a busy mother to babies/toddler, and now I finally have that (semi) free time and it is scary! Most of us do this, regardless of our age. We throw ourselves into our children, strive to be that perfect Pinterest parent, convince ourselves that watching Frozen for the 3rd time really is what we want to be doing on a Friday night. and sometimes it is! and than..they start to get a little older. You is OK to take that baby gate off of the stairs. You realize it is OK to let them sleep in a big girl bed, and yes you can play in the backyard by yourself for a little bit. All of the time and energy you spilled into being there for them 24/7, slaps you in the face when you realize they don't need you as much and you don't know what to do with your time anymore. Sure, they definitely still need you, but in a new way; a foreign way you are not used to. A way that doesn't require you to stay up till 2 am dance walking around the living room while whispering "shhh" into their ears. They don't need you to nurse their boo-boo's away, and they don't need you cut up their food into tiny little pieces anymore. They don't want to hold your hand anymore as they walk, and they choose to run instead of crawl. In the same breathe you are excited for their achievements, a little piece of your heart breaks. and when it is your last baby, it is as if someone is fast forwarding all of those same moments from the last and you have to brace yourself to remember it before it is over. 
Hopefully, you haven't read this far and discovered you now have a fear of having children due to my words. Its equal parts wonderful, as it can be equal parts horrendous. I willingly put my heart and soul into these children, and would do it 20 times over and over again. Yet, even though they are still little kids, their eager need for independence from me, means I also need to learn how to gain my independence as well. This is where the struggle is, since I spent most of my youth singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", instead of finding myself in the big bad world. Just as my kids struggle with finding themselves, I will also be doing the same. 
Everyone learns, and grows, and is put on repeat for the rest of their life. There is no part of your life where you can say, "Ok I am done growing now". I am certain I will have this feeling at every transition of my life. When Sophie has her first play date without me there, or when Violet asks to go to the school dance, or when they graduate, etc. For every moment they have in their life and learn to will I. I will have to find myself to be a better mother. I want to have the ability to tell them someday when/if they are older to say, "It is ok, this is normal and you will get through this". I find a small comfort in that. <3 font="" nbsp="">

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