January 1, 2014

The birth of Freya Holiday

When my due date had passed I started getting incredibly antsy to have this baby. I had never made it to my due date with any of the other girls, so it took a lot of patience. December 30th rolled around and I had decided this baby did not want to be apart of 2013. We had a midwife appt. that evening to check my progress, and I had progressed in dilation and effacement. Everything was ready, it was just a matter of time. My midwife told me she expected me to go into labor with 24 hours....little did she know.

We left the midwife's at 5:30 pm and went to my parents house to pick up the girls. We hung out with my parents and my aunt who was visiting and then decided to go home and get some rest. Once the girls had layed down I had Jared run and get me something to eat. He left around 10pm and I started seeing my stomach do this odd tightening thing. I decided to time them and they were timeable but did not hurt one bit...just sort of felt like I was being squeezed. I called my mom and after talking decided to lay down for a couple minutes and see if they go away before I call my midwife. At 10:45 pm they were still coming every 2-3 minutes but with no pain. I called the midwife and we both agreed to try and sleep. I went to sleep immediately and at 11pm I felt a snap inside. Even though no water gushed out I knew what that meant. I had it happen before with my oldest. I went to the toilet and of course...my water broke.

I had a slight freak out, but thought I had plenty of time to worry about. I started calling everyone and told my midwife Id let her know when the contractions got bad enough I needed her. Jared and I went downstairs, and my aunt and mother were the first to arrive. My aunt decided to time my contractions (it was now 11:45) and they were coming every 2 minutes lasting almost a minute and starting to hurt. I started getting angry thinking it wasn't right...they shouldn't be this close together. Jared started scrambling to get the birth tub filled and at midnightish we decided to ask the midwives to come. At this point I was having to lean on Jared for support during each contraction. I was getting really upset that they hurt THIS bad already and I was not getting one break. I started to wonder if I was wimp because I knew I had at least 5 more hours to go.

A little after 1am on New Years Eve everyone had arrived and my midwife suggest I get into the pool. At this point the contractions really, really hurt. I jumped into the pool and felt the need to hold myself up on all fours. It was the only way I could cope. I had also started feeling like the world was coming to and end they were THAT bad. My midwife asked to check me and I was at an 8cm dilated. It had been suggested to get out of the pool and try relaxing laying down. I regretted it because the moment I got out of the pool it only got worse which I did not think was possible. I layed on the ground with a fan in my face just wishing it would be over. It felt like an eternity but looking back it was actually quite fast. I started feeling pushy and asked people to help me get into the pool.

At this point I decided to surrender to the pain. My lovely doula had some soft music playing in the background and just kept telling me I was doing a great job...it was all I needed. Jared got back in the tub with me and I rested up against his body and knew that any minute I would be pushing. I was so scared of pushing for some reason but at this point I knew if I didnt push I would be stuck dealing with the horrible contractions. Suddenly, I didnt have a choice because I felt her body (super weird feeling) drop down and the head was fighting to come out. I dont know what other nice way to put this but honestly pushing felt like my asshole was going to explode...no joke. It was SUCH a high amount of pain that I couldnt even scream. I remember my midwife's assistant told me that I almost got her out with the first push and I knew I could not relive that pain. So with the second push I pushed her all the way out.

As horrible as it was, it was beautiful at the same time. My contractions were gone and the pain was over...now my baby was here. She was placed on my chest and made the sweetest sounds. Born at 2:23am on New Years Eve. I didn't know it at the time but I truly believed I had been in labor for 5-6 hours and could not believe it had only been 3 hours since my water broke. I birthed the placenta with the help of my midwife because I was so exhausted and then had help to move to the couch to be checked out. I couldnt believe I was walking and not only that I did not tear at all with my biggest baby! With my other girls walking was something I couldn't accomplish for a couple days, especially Violet. I wont lie, my anxiety was through the roof. The biggest worry I had with home birthing was something happening afterwards. I kind of laid on the couch in shock for about 30 minutes because I couldn't believe I just birthed my baby in the dining room. It is hard to accept after two very medical births (last being a cesarean) that you can BE okay birthing at home...but after waiting 30 minutes I realized nothing horrible was going to happen and felt at peace. With my anxiety I knew I would feel this way but accepted it and moved on.

My midwife's assistant helped me get upstairs to rest and recover and slowly people started to leave. I felt so amazing and wonderful. I got the birth I wanted..my final birth was EXACTLY as I wanted. It was never about wanting to birth at home because I felt it was right...it was that with my other girls I always felt I was missing an experience that I could not have anywhere BUT my home. My husband was so amazing and supportive throughout the whole process, and all night I kept looking over at him and baby SO in love. Our older girls stayed at nana & papa's house and we got some sleep with our new little Holiday baby.






So much thanks to my Midwife Laura Hamilton and her asst. Shannon. 
To my doula Holly Reed from "Belly to Breast"
To my birth photographer Mandi McDougall Photography
To my mother & aunt Jami
and last but most important...my husband

Freya Holiday
Born New Years Eve at 2:23am
Weighing 8lbs 7oz and 21 inches long




December 4, 2013

Waiting...waiting...waiting....


I am officially in the waiting zone, but to be honest I am in no hurry. I never realized how having a baby in December can be so stressful. There are SO many holiday plans we have planned, and it leaves me with an anxious feeling wondering if I will make them or not. The other thing is...frankly...I am terrified of having 3 kids. I know, I know....WAY too late but at the same time I am fine cherishing my two girls in the mean time. Things are going to be so different for our family once Freya arrives! Lastly, I am not going to lie, I am slightly nervous about having a home birth but at the same time excited. Basically, I have more emotions than I can handle. It is almost baby time!!!

November 17, 2013

Why I choose to homebirth

        When I was pregnant with Sophie, I was scared of birth. As a control freak, the thought of surrendering my body to something I can't control was out of my element. When the time came and my water broke I could not give into it. So I feared the birth and asked for a lot of drugs/epidural to put me in a state where I would not quite be there. When Sophie was born, I was so exhausted from the drugs I could barely hold her, let alone remember what just happened. Afterwards, I was overjoyed being a new mother and felt no regret for my birthing choices. About a year later we decided to try again for another baby. This time I felt like I was missing something. I decided I wanted to be there physically & mentally for the birth if it was an option. I decided I wanted to do it naturally. I considered going to a midwife but canceled the appointment right before and saw an OB instead. We learned during the middle of the pregnancy that she was another girl...and breech. Breech means the baby is head up, which is not a favorable position for birth. Giving birth to a breech baby puts the babies life at risk as the head can get stuck in the birth canal and cut off oxygen. I wasn't worried because I was having this baby naturally. Sadly, after trying everything that baby would not go head down and we scheduled a cesarean. Having a c-section was an odd experience. This time I was physically and mentally there for my birth but I was terrified. My body was not my own in that moment. I could not move and so all I did was cry and stare at a blue sheet. In that moment, it was that I realized all I took for granted with my first birth.

Right after Sophie was born

After Violet was born



       Let me just say, that birth is a choice. Not everyone wants the same things and I would never push my choices on another human being. For my personal self, I was not happy with my births. I didn't feel ashamed...I felt like I was robbed. So with our final child I decided I would do everything in my power to achieve the birth I wanted. The first step was seeing a midwife. I was scared of not having the choice of pain meds at my birth so I told my self I would see a midwife BUT give birth in a hospital. Around July, my sister invited me to see her give birth to her gorgeous daughter. It was the first time I ever witnessed a birth besides my own. The birth was beautiful but it made me realize the small, needed interventions they did at her birth would be detrimental to someone having a VBAC. Let me touch on the VBAC thing.

   Going backwards a little bit, I knew I as going to be what is considered as a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). When you have a VBAC the main thing they worry about is a ruptured uterus from where the incision is. By worry I mean it is a .2% chance of happening. Do you know what the risk of having a repeat cesarean is? Weakened uterine wall, problems with the placenta, injuries to your bladder, heavy bleeding, breathing problems for baby, surgical injury to baby, blood clots,  and shockingly...a ruptured uterus. Do you know what doctors will tell you is more safe after you have had a c-section?...another c-section. I do not judge anyone who chooses to have a repeat cesarean. Emotionally I get it. It is very difficult to get past the fear we have. Though for myself it was an easy choice.

     So going back, I decided to research what would happen if I attempted to have a VBAC at the ONE hospital that would allow it. They would want me on pitocin, an epidural, a catheter, and a monitor placed gently (yeah right) inside babies scalp to measure the contractions affect. My natural birth in the eyes of the medical world was stolen. I felt robbed. Due to my baby choosing to be head up instead of head down I was not allowed to do the one thing my body was naturally made to do? First off, pitocin is one of the leading causes of ruptured uterus...an yet Dr.s use it on VBACS knowing this. Pitocin makes a uterus contract faster and puts more stress on the scar which raises the risk of rupture very high. Natural birth, your body knows what you can handle. Secondly, getting an epidural immediately means you have to sit in the bed and not move. This means my body may stall and contract, which you have no idea which way you will go until you get there. Looking this all over an reading the research I realized one thing. VBACS are set up to fail. I got angry for a good couple days. I felt like everything I took for granted as now almost impossible to achieve, due to a surgery. I decided to home birth with my midwife.



    At first I was scared. I told Jared there was a very good chance I would give in at last minute and go to the hospital. He was understanding and repeatedly told me he would do whatever I chose and respect my decision. I spoke with my midwife and she made me feel SO at ease. My ideas of home birth were NOTHING of my reality. She would let me labor on my own and give me the birth I desired.

    So a lot of people, and to be fair this is the unknown so I get it, are a little hesitant when they hear about my choice to home birth. I've gotten the, " Are you not concerned about your babies safety" comment a good deal and instead of arguing I just say yes! I'm very concerned which is why I plan to labor at home and avoid the imminent cesarean waiting for me at the hospital. I want to catch my baby and hold her right afterwards, not unwillingly hand her over for an hour. I want to be the first person to touch her, not a stranger. I want to be able to be cognitive when she arrives and let her know I love her. So many more things, but ultimately YES I AM thinking about my baby and her safety.

Lastly, my midwife and I just want the best, safest outcome for baby and I. If at some point from now, until labor day it is decided homebirth is no longer an option I would respect it. I would still be happy I tried and then fight like hell at the hospital to have the birth I wanted. I hope in a month from now I can write up a story of a birth that was what I have been dreaming and if not I will move on and accept some things are not meant for people. Either way Ill have a beautiful baby <3 nbsp="" p="">



October 6, 2013

Worth the watch...

..if you love babies.
If not than I would pass this video haha

Anyways, I have been watching home birth videos to prepare myself. Some are sort of traumatic and others are beautiful. This one was SO beautiful I cried. I could be SO lucky if my birth went like this...

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a44984659/beautiful_birth_video?cpg=1&pd=-1


October 1, 2013

The best midwife Appt.

Today was our monthly midwife appt. and I always enjoy going to see Laura but I have been feeling really down the last two months. I have been doing crazy things to get to turn my baby head down that never worked with Violet. Something must have helped because baby Freya is HEAD DOWN!
This is the biggest accomplishment we both have experienced this whole pregnancy. Jared was so shocked that he couldn't believe what he was seeing on the ultrasound! Besides that the midwife checked my blood sugar which was great considering I just ate pizza an hour before o.O and my blood pressure and of course my weight. I have already gained 25lbs which sort of blows but it is normal with me. I tend to gain a crap ton of weight pregnant. Even with this pregnancy I have been working out religiously, eating half decent, but still the weight packs on. but that scale could have read 100 lbs because nothing can make this day bad!

So now that fetal positioning is behind me I can finally focus on my HBAC (Home Birth After Cesarean). I can finally get excited about it rather than pushing it out of my mind like I have been. Time to get everything in order like my doula, my birth photographer, and planning something incredibly foreign to me!

September 9, 2013

Pity Post

Well we had our ultrasound today and Freya is perfect in every way and we can not wait to meet her. She hid her face from us until the very end and I think she looks like Violet and everyone else thinks she looks like Sophie. The chiropractor and everything else I have been doing has made room for her and we saw her multiple times move from sideways to breech (head up). When she was breech it was always on the right side like Violet and in fact we (as usual) saw her make no movement in the left side of my uterus. Though the majority of the time she was sideways. If anything, this should make me happy as it means I have a little more of a chance. When we went to our 19 week ultrasound with Violet (I'm 24 1/2 now) she was snugly breech and could not move, so something IS helping. Yet, I can not get this sad feeling away that I have been having. What if after everything I don't get that dream birth I have been wanting after THREE births. I will never NOT be grateful and lucky that I have the blessing of being able to have healthy children and that will never be discounted, but it is so hard to secretly not be upset about not ever getting the birth you dream about. I wake up and immediately start doing exercises from spinningbabies that help with moving baby into position. I faithfully go to the chiropractor. I do prenatal yoga in hopes of keeping everything toned and open for her to move. We go on nightly walks and I rarely sit anywhere comfortable because sitting doesn't help with positioning. At times, during the discomfort, I think about what if all this crazyness was for a waste. I just have to keep hope that maybe there will be a miracle and baby Freya will move head down for me and we can have the magical birth I have always dreamed about. If not, I guess I will back up my little "Born at Home" onesie and someday accept that some things are not meant to be and maybe for me that is one of them.