December 4, 2013

Waiting...waiting...waiting....


I am officially in the waiting zone, but to be honest I am in no hurry. I never realized how having a baby in December can be so stressful. There are SO many holiday plans we have planned, and it leaves me with an anxious feeling wondering if I will make them or not. The other thing is...frankly...I am terrified of having 3 kids. I know, I know....WAY too late but at the same time I am fine cherishing my two girls in the mean time. Things are going to be so different for our family once Freya arrives! Lastly, I am not going to lie, I am slightly nervous about having a home birth but at the same time excited. Basically, I have more emotions than I can handle. It is almost baby time!!!

November 17, 2013

Why I choose to homebirth

        When I was pregnant with Sophie, I was scared of birth. As a control freak, the thought of surrendering my body to something I can't control was out of my element. When the time came and my water broke I could not give into it. So I feared the birth and asked for a lot of drugs/epidural to put me in a state where I would not quite be there. When Sophie was born, I was so exhausted from the drugs I could barely hold her, let alone remember what just happened. Afterwards, I was overjoyed being a new mother and felt no regret for my birthing choices. About a year later we decided to try again for another baby. This time I felt like I was missing something. I decided I wanted to be there physically & mentally for the birth if it was an option. I decided I wanted to do it naturally. I considered going to a midwife but canceled the appointment right before and saw an OB instead. We learned during the middle of the pregnancy that she was another girl...and breech. Breech means the baby is head up, which is not a favorable position for birth. Giving birth to a breech baby puts the babies life at risk as the head can get stuck in the birth canal and cut off oxygen. I wasn't worried because I was having this baby naturally. Sadly, after trying everything that baby would not go head down and we scheduled a cesarean. Having a c-section was an odd experience. This time I was physically and mentally there for my birth but I was terrified. My body was not my own in that moment. I could not move and so all I did was cry and stare at a blue sheet. In that moment, it was that I realized all I took for granted with my first birth.

Right after Sophie was born

After Violet was born



       Let me just say, that birth is a choice. Not everyone wants the same things and I would never push my choices on another human being. For my personal self, I was not happy with my births. I didn't feel ashamed...I felt like I was robbed. So with our final child I decided I would do everything in my power to achieve the birth I wanted. The first step was seeing a midwife. I was scared of not having the choice of pain meds at my birth so I told my self I would see a midwife BUT give birth in a hospital. Around July, my sister invited me to see her give birth to her gorgeous daughter. It was the first time I ever witnessed a birth besides my own. The birth was beautiful but it made me realize the small, needed interventions they did at her birth would be detrimental to someone having a VBAC. Let me touch on the VBAC thing.

   Going backwards a little bit, I knew I as going to be what is considered as a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). When you have a VBAC the main thing they worry about is a ruptured uterus from where the incision is. By worry I mean it is a .2% chance of happening. Do you know what the risk of having a repeat cesarean is? Weakened uterine wall, problems with the placenta, injuries to your bladder, heavy bleeding, breathing problems for baby, surgical injury to baby, blood clots,  and shockingly...a ruptured uterus. Do you know what doctors will tell you is more safe after you have had a c-section?...another c-section. I do not judge anyone who chooses to have a repeat cesarean. Emotionally I get it. It is very difficult to get past the fear we have. Though for myself it was an easy choice.

     So going back, I decided to research what would happen if I attempted to have a VBAC at the ONE hospital that would allow it. They would want me on pitocin, an epidural, a catheter, and a monitor placed gently (yeah right) inside babies scalp to measure the contractions affect. My natural birth in the eyes of the medical world was stolen. I felt robbed. Due to my baby choosing to be head up instead of head down I was not allowed to do the one thing my body was naturally made to do? First off, pitocin is one of the leading causes of ruptured uterus...an yet Dr.s use it on VBACS knowing this. Pitocin makes a uterus contract faster and puts more stress on the scar which raises the risk of rupture very high. Natural birth, your body knows what you can handle. Secondly, getting an epidural immediately means you have to sit in the bed and not move. This means my body may stall and contract, which you have no idea which way you will go until you get there. Looking this all over an reading the research I realized one thing. VBACS are set up to fail. I got angry for a good couple days. I felt like everything I took for granted as now almost impossible to achieve, due to a surgery. I decided to home birth with my midwife.



    At first I was scared. I told Jared there was a very good chance I would give in at last minute and go to the hospital. He was understanding and repeatedly told me he would do whatever I chose and respect my decision. I spoke with my midwife and she made me feel SO at ease. My ideas of home birth were NOTHING of my reality. She would let me labor on my own and give me the birth I desired.

    So a lot of people, and to be fair this is the unknown so I get it, are a little hesitant when they hear about my choice to home birth. I've gotten the, " Are you not concerned about your babies safety" comment a good deal and instead of arguing I just say yes! I'm very concerned which is why I plan to labor at home and avoid the imminent cesarean waiting for me at the hospital. I want to catch my baby and hold her right afterwards, not unwillingly hand her over for an hour. I want to be the first person to touch her, not a stranger. I want to be able to be cognitive when she arrives and let her know I love her. So many more things, but ultimately YES I AM thinking about my baby and her safety.

Lastly, my midwife and I just want the best, safest outcome for baby and I. If at some point from now, until labor day it is decided homebirth is no longer an option I would respect it. I would still be happy I tried and then fight like hell at the hospital to have the birth I wanted. I hope in a month from now I can write up a story of a birth that was what I have been dreaming and if not I will move on and accept some things are not meant for people. Either way Ill have a beautiful baby <3 nbsp="" p="">



October 6, 2013

Worth the watch...

..if you love babies.
If not than I would pass this video haha

Anyways, I have been watching home birth videos to prepare myself. Some are sort of traumatic and others are beautiful. This one was SO beautiful I cried. I could be SO lucky if my birth went like this...

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a44984659/beautiful_birth_video?cpg=1&pd=-1


October 1, 2013

The best midwife Appt.

Today was our monthly midwife appt. and I always enjoy going to see Laura but I have been feeling really down the last two months. I have been doing crazy things to get to turn my baby head down that never worked with Violet. Something must have helped because baby Freya is HEAD DOWN!
This is the biggest accomplishment we both have experienced this whole pregnancy. Jared was so shocked that he couldn't believe what he was seeing on the ultrasound! Besides that the midwife checked my blood sugar which was great considering I just ate pizza an hour before o.O and my blood pressure and of course my weight. I have already gained 25lbs which sort of blows but it is normal with me. I tend to gain a crap ton of weight pregnant. Even with this pregnancy I have been working out religiously, eating half decent, but still the weight packs on. but that scale could have read 100 lbs because nothing can make this day bad!

So now that fetal positioning is behind me I can finally focus on my HBAC (Home Birth After Cesarean). I can finally get excited about it rather than pushing it out of my mind like I have been. Time to get everything in order like my doula, my birth photographer, and planning something incredibly foreign to me!

September 9, 2013

Pity Post

Well we had our ultrasound today and Freya is perfect in every way and we can not wait to meet her. She hid her face from us until the very end and I think she looks like Violet and everyone else thinks she looks like Sophie. The chiropractor and everything else I have been doing has made room for her and we saw her multiple times move from sideways to breech (head up). When she was breech it was always on the right side like Violet and in fact we (as usual) saw her make no movement in the left side of my uterus. Though the majority of the time she was sideways. If anything, this should make me happy as it means I have a little more of a chance. When we went to our 19 week ultrasound with Violet (I'm 24 1/2 now) she was snugly breech and could not move, so something IS helping. Yet, I can not get this sad feeling away that I have been having. What if after everything I don't get that dream birth I have been wanting after THREE births. I will never NOT be grateful and lucky that I have the blessing of being able to have healthy children and that will never be discounted, but it is so hard to secretly not be upset about not ever getting the birth you dream about. I wake up and immediately start doing exercises from spinningbabies that help with moving baby into position. I faithfully go to the chiropractor. I do prenatal yoga in hopes of keeping everything toned and open for her to move. We go on nightly walks and I rarely sit anywhere comfortable because sitting doesn't help with positioning. At times, during the discomfort, I think about what if all this crazyness was for a waste. I just have to keep hope that maybe there will be a miracle and baby Freya will move head down for me and we can have the magical birth I have always dreamed about. If not, I guess I will back up my little "Born at Home" onesie and someday accept that some things are not meant to be and maybe for me that is one of them.

September 4, 2013

Midwife Appt.

Today's appt. made things all too real for me. Baby is snugly sideways. I know that is better than breech but it is still NOT head down. So we are pushing the chiropractor now and I am starting the same exercises I trie with Violet from www.spinningbabies.com

The reason this is getting all to real for me is that if anything, the last thing I want is a c-section again. It is a hard concept to have a c-section only for fetal positioning. My baby wasn't in distress, she was just head up. It sucked to realize this was simply from a abnormal type of uterus I have...so it is my fault. C-Sections are not fun and the recovery is emotionally and physically draining. So I would like to avoid this AGAIN.

Aside from that...my weight gain was naughty this month! I need to lay off all the late night bad food snacking ;)

I am a couple days from viability. This means baby will be viable to live outside the womb if she were to come early. I am not hoping for this at all but it is a comforting milestone to achieve. We have 16 weeks left until out little Xmas present arrives and I am so excited!

August 7, 2013

Midwife Appt.

I had my midwife appt. yesterday and it went really well. We saw baby Freya and she is at the moment sideways and SOMETIMES head down so I'm keeping my fingers crossed she stays head down. It would truly suck if I had ANOTHER breech baby. My weight gain is surprisingly going well considering with both the other girls I gained WAY to much weight. We discussed emergency procedures for home birthing and it made  me feel more at ease with my decision (if everything continues to go well). I had no idea that midwifes actually carry certain drugs/instruments Dr.s do in case of an emergency. My midwife has been delivery babies for 30+ years and she feels very confident everything will go well. The only thing she worries about is if I have the baby before she gets there since I dilated very quickly with Sophie (1-10 in 45 minutes). I labored with Sophie in the hospital after my water broke for 10 hours and couldn't relax because I was having such a horrible time (craptastic hospital) that when I finally go the epidural 10 hours later I went from 1-10 centimeters in 45 minutes because my body was so relaxed finally. so she thinks since I will be home and more comfortable it will go quickly. So anyways...I am HALF WAY done! I don't enjoy pregnancy so I'm looking forward to this journey almost being complete in my life and being able to have my body back!



August 1, 2013

It has been a long time since I have made a blog post...

...I didn't even realize it!

Now is a better time I feel to give an update on our little family. As most of you know we have our THIRD girl getting ready to be welcomed into this world around Christmas. We have decided to name her "Freya Holiday". The middle name is special to us not only for the fact that she is being born around the BIGGEST holiday of the year but for other simple reasons <3 a="" and="" attempt="" been="" beginning="" care="" during="" have="" i="" known="" midwife="" my="" p="" prenatal="" seeing="" since="" the="" to="" vbac="" wanted="">

As most of you know little Violet (18 months now!! ) was born via cesarean due to her breech presentation. Most Dr.s hope that every child there after will be a RCS...which is known as a repeat c-section. They say this because of the .05% chance of your uterus rupturing if you attempt a vaginal birth, but the truth is that the risks for a RCS are MUCH higher than a VBAC. Hope you got all that terminology? ;)

Anyways, I have always wanted to do that but NOW I have decided to go bigger. Ready for some bigger terms? I have decided to attempt a HBAC (Home Birth After Cesarean). I have been looking into it more and more and if my midwife is okay with it, and everything works out I will get to experience my very own homebirth. 

I know everyone has different feelings about this but when it comes down to it, these are feelings about my birth. I have to realize that my feelings are most important. I think it would be incredibly beautiful to experience this. Some of the reasons I would prefer to birth at home are:

1.) The hospital puts my anxiety into overdrive
2.) I have a higher chance of having a RCS if I attempt my VBAC at a hospital
3.) I like the idea of being comfortable in my own home
4.) I want to have a water birth

Now with that being said, I know ALL to well that birth plans can sometimes not go as you planned. So I plan to just go into this with an open mind!!! 

Ill update more as we move along in this process!!

February 28, 2013

Terrible 3's

because every year is terrible.

Let me start this by saying I absolutely love my little 3 year old Sophie and wouldnt change her for a second. I just feel like writing down some of the humerous things we parents find annoying helps. So here goes:

Sophie has become obsessed with bandaids. Its becoming quite expensive to keep up with all of her many battle wounds she just "swears" that she has. The other day she came out of the car and told her daddy her finger hurt and she needed a bandaid. Daddy told her no because her finger was fine but he would kiss it. From 0-60 we heard the following noise/cry/screech "I NNEEEEDDDDDD a bandaid"!! So being the pushover parents we are we gave her a bandaid. The fake cry immediately stopped and she gets an asshole smile on her face (yes I said asshole) and says "All better". Now Im sure your thinking Im being mean and that she is just 3. She is just 3, but like most parents I also think my child is out to get me.

So our poor little dachshund takes QUITE the beating from Sophie. Hugging to Sophie is basically a death choke from a pro wrestler. Just imaine a 3 year old with the most cracked out look on their face "hugging" a poor puppy. Meanwhile our dog is totally screaming for help o.O So anyways, puppy is sitting on daddys lap and Sophie comes up and shoves the dog off his lap..and hard. She immediately gives her "hug" and we can already see the look on our dogs face and read her mind "why..WHY this family". Have you ever watched Finding Nemo? Do you remember the little girl Darla? Yep....thats Sophie. Jared and I immediately screech "No Sophie be nice to the puppy". 0-60 she screeches/cries/screams.... "I was just LOVING my puppy"!! Yes Sophie....just not to death please.

Im changing Violets diaper and Sophie asks me if she can do her exercises (aka jump from couch to coffee table) and I (smart mom) shoot down her dreams and say no. Her little dolly stroller is about 2 feet from Violets head and suddenly Sophie ets a smile on her mouth and asks if she can exercise with her stroller. As a parent you MUST give your child the benefit of the doubt sometimes so of course I said yes. Suddenly I hear "WEEEEEEEE" as she pushes the stroller as hard as she can into her sisters head o.O Sophie:1 Violet Head: 0

Im being lazy and dont want to make dinner again so I take Sophie with me to go get some dinner from Taco Del Mar. We get out of the car and she throws a fit because I didnt put her coat hood on right and I didnt put her bear into her carseat buckled in. While holding her hand and walking into TDM Sophie makes sure to stomp into every puddle she can find. One drop of water gets on her shirt and she asks for a new one. I tell her no and she screams. I tell her if she is good for just FIVE minutes Ill give her a cookie (sue me). We are waiting in line at TDM and I tell Sophie to hold my hand and she doesnt want. Since she is 3 I dont have to worry too much about her wandering off which Is nice. So I let it go. Im trying to pay and the kid is totally running away from me because I told her she cant have chips AND a cookie for dinner. o.O I give her THAT mom look and she comes back...but of course she has to make it known she is upset. She stands next to me and does that thing kids do where they fold their hands into their armpits with a loud "hmpph". Because I was ignoring it that girl did it seven more times with each time getting louder and louder.

I wonder every day why my hair isnt gray. This girl is giving me a run for my money! At the end of the day I feel so much guilt from all the time-outs and screaming. Yet, something happens. I go up to her room and I see her clutching her blankie from birth and her fingers in her mouth and I realize she wont be a baby for long. Some day I KNOW Ill look back on these days and miss them. So for every "hmpph" and sister beat down Ill remember that inside is a baby girl who will soon blossom and grow into a teenager...and THEN I will commit myself....


January 22, 2013

1 Year Old

I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this but I couldnt wait because I was so excited. Violet turns 1 tomorrow at 3:40pm. Its so crazy how fast this babies first year went. With the normal day to life of a 4 person family this slipped right up onto us. I thought I would talk about the day she was born!

The night before the 23rd I coudlnt sleep. Its different when you KNOW your going to have a baby. With Sophie my water broke so I had no idea. I told Jared over and over in tears that I didnt think I could go through with it and that I had planned to go to Mexico and see if they would let me give birth in a hospital with my breech baby. He reminded me that with my special uterus this was best because there ISNT any studies done on delivering a breech baby with bicornuate uterus and it being safe. I just wanted my baby safe and that was all that mattered. That morning my dad was going to help me take my math final so I wouldnt have to do it with a new baby and because he knew it would help take my mind off things. So all morning we took the test which I ended up getting a C- on anyways haha! After the test myself, my mom, and Jared drove up to Olympia to have you. I remember it feeling like I was going to a Dr.s appt...reall odd. They brought me back and set me up for prep. Due to the storm they informed me that my Dr. had forgotten she had me scheduled and the only Dr. I had available was a Dr. I disliked. I was really upset. I remember going into a fog and blocking the world out around me. Jared, myself, and a nurse walked down the hall to the OR room. As we reached the doors I let go of Jareds hand and felt really sad for a second. I expected a really cold room..but it was amazing. The walls were painted PURPLE! It was like they new you were coming and painted them just for you! I was very scared but the Anethesiologist giving me the spinal was like another support partner and he made me feel very safe. Jared came back in and held my hand and we waited for you. 20 minutes later we heard the sweetest tinyest little lamb cry and you were born. 7.8lbs 19 1/2 inches at 3:40pm (1 minute before mama was born)

VIDEO BELOW!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK7eJ0tODlw

January 21, 2013

The Mommy Wars



Social media has started something horrible that has spun out of control. Unless your a mother or parent you probably would have no idea about this. Facebook started the ability to see into peoples lives and it has only gotten worse because now people WANT to share anything and everything to do with their lives. Now I see the following topics all over the internet and it makes me ill. Here they are and Im sure millions more could be added to the list:

1.) You should breastfeed / You should not breastfeed
2.) Breastfeeding in public is gross/ Breastfeeding in public is our right
3.) Circumcision is bad / Circumcision is okay
4.) Dont let your baby CIO / Babies can CIO just fine
5.) I proudly spank / Spanking is horrible
6.) I pierce my babies ears because its cute / I dont pierce my babies ears because its horrible
7.) I co sleep / Co sleeping is bad
8.) I baby wear / I don't hold my baby because I don't want to spoil them
9.) I front face in a car seat early / I rear face as long as possible
10.) Dont feed solids to a baby before 6 months / We give solids at 4 months
11.) Medications for children / Holistic approach for children
12.) Vaccinations are bad / Vaccinations are good
13.) Young mothers/ older mothers
14.) C-sections are great / natural birth all the way.
15.) McD's all the way! / no meat/dairy/soy/gluten for MY child

..the list can go ON!

I have no desire to share my view on these subjects because I've grown tired of it. I will admit I fell for it and would go around preaching what I thought was right on some of these subjects for awhile. Then I realized the world has gotten this far on differing opinions. I mean.. I'm SURE we can find studies done on things and view them as proof but use that proof for your own child..dont push it onto another mother. Every time I see someone passively aggressively posting something in regards to their opinion as if its better than anyone else I do the whole "point your finger in your mouth as if your gagging" impression. For the longest time I really thought that when someone shared their opinion and another mom disagreed it was because she wasn't comfortable with her own decisions as a parent. I feel as a mother who is incredibly happy with her choices (which are completely half and half on the above topics) I still get bothered by someone posting or downgrading a parents choice. Its okay to be proud of a choice you made but make sure you are doing it without putting down another fellow mama.

I could go on and on about how much this annoys me BUT Ill just end it with this. Next time you feel the need to judge someone's parental decision remember you have your own child to raise. You can NEVER be a perfect parent as long as you try. As soon as your child becomes a teenager I can almost bet you they will find something to complain about. So why bother? What are you trying to prove? Get off social media sites and just be a mom..or get on social media sites and support other moms to be courageous in their parenting choices no matter what they are.

January 13, 2013

Way overdue





No but really. I am becoming a bit excited about the fact that very soon and possibly on the weekend of my birthday, Jared and I will be having our very own first vacation away from the kids. Im saying...not even since Sophie...have Jared and I ever been away from the kids for an overnight vacation. Ive been obsessing over plans and I laugh at myself because I will always find a hotel and start looking into wether or not they have cribs!? Im so not used to this. I find it pretty sad that in almost 5 years we havent done this. We never even had a honeymoon after our wedding!


January 5, 2013

You just cant be prepared...

...enough for the start of weaning.
I had visions when I first started breastfeeding Violet. I was going to let her self wean. This meant she could decide when we would be done. I didnt see this happening until at least 18 months was my goal. She is turning one in a couple weeks and I have to face the fact..my little baby girl is starting to wean. I dont know how long this will last...weeks or months...Im hoping for months. Afterawhile breastfeeding becomes second nature to you..like when you brush your teeth. Can you imagine no longer brushing your teeth? I know we have made it to the most important goals (1) but I still cant help but feel devastated. This is our special time. Violet and I fought long and hard to have it with all of the weight issues she had...so for it to be stopped to shortly feels cruel. I think the truth is that its been so much work lately that we are both tired of fighting. So from this day forward Im no longer going to push it on her and let her decide when she wants to nurse. I have plenty of pics to remember this by and I know this will only be one hurdle. My baby is growing up....

January 1, 2013

Happy New Year!

2012 was one of my favorite years as our gorgeous baby Violet was born in it. Im sad its gone but Im looking forward to 2013. A LOT of awesome things are coming our way. First off, if everything goes well I should be starting my IBCLC program in Portland this Spring. It has been really hard being patient and having to wait longer than I thought to go but Im sure in the end it will be all worth it. I have a family and wont be able to go full time but once again I can be patient because this IS my dream job.

Another thing we are looking forward to is Violet's first Birthday. It is CRAZY to think it has already been a year. It feels like just yesterday we were experiencing that snow storm when we went in to have her. She came in with a bang and has been our little sweetheart ever since. There are definitely more babies in store for us but currently Im just looking forward to enojoying our two girls and focusing on FINISHING my degree!

We are thinking about putting Sophie in some sort of activity outside the home. We tried ballet awhile ago but she was so rambuncous we took her out. She is mroe calm now so we are rethinking that again..or swimming lessons. We just want her to be able to have something special all her own and get some of that 3 year old energy out at the same time.

Jared is still in school working on his Bachelors in Sociology. He has about another year left but he is getting closer! I feel like everything is starting to fall into place and if we play our cards right we COULD be looking into getting our own home in a year or two. We will also probably be moving out of Lewis County but nothing is for certain. We have had plans for a LONG time to move up to Olympia as soon as we finished school. I would love to get a job at the hospital and Jared would have SO many more work options up there. but again...in a year or two...Im patient.

Lastly, this year I really want to focus on my health. Last year after the baby I was so busy being a motehr of two that I ate out..a lot. I dont want to subject my family to that type of lifestyle so I plan to make more meals at home and be more healthy. We recently got a gym membership and it was a great idea. We both get a break from the kids (haha) and get to work out at the same time.

Happy 2013!