September 9, 2013

Pity Post

Well we had our ultrasound today and Freya is perfect in every way and we can not wait to meet her. She hid her face from us until the very end and I think she looks like Violet and everyone else thinks she looks like Sophie. The chiropractor and everything else I have been doing has made room for her and we saw her multiple times move from sideways to breech (head up). When she was breech it was always on the right side like Violet and in fact we (as usual) saw her make no movement in the left side of my uterus. Though the majority of the time she was sideways. If anything, this should make me happy as it means I have a little more of a chance. When we went to our 19 week ultrasound with Violet (I'm 24 1/2 now) she was snugly breech and could not move, so something IS helping. Yet, I can not get this sad feeling away that I have been having. What if after everything I don't get that dream birth I have been wanting after THREE births. I will never NOT be grateful and lucky that I have the blessing of being able to have healthy children and that will never be discounted, but it is so hard to secretly not be upset about not ever getting the birth you dream about. I wake up and immediately start doing exercises from spinningbabies that help with moving baby into position. I faithfully go to the chiropractor. I do prenatal yoga in hopes of keeping everything toned and open for her to move. We go on nightly walks and I rarely sit anywhere comfortable because sitting doesn't help with positioning. At times, during the discomfort, I think about what if all this crazyness was for a waste. I just have to keep hope that maybe there will be a miracle and baby Freya will move head down for me and we can have the magical birth I have always dreamed about. If not, I guess I will back up my little "Born at Home" onesie and someday accept that some things are not meant to be and maybe for me that is one of them.

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