June 21, 2010

Cursed

So my previous post was all about positive thinking. Today that did not happen. I know I shouldn't exactly post private things on here but I am pretty sure barely any one is following so here goes. I think I am cursed. In fact I am sure of it. Cursed how you ask? My whole life I have only wanted two things. To get married and start a family. Obviously things went a little backwards but now I am ready... and he is not. It hurts so bad because one minute he is ready to get married and the next he is'nt! It is so confusing and heart breaking. It is so hard to walk into my garage and see my beautiful wedding dress just hanging there. All the magic it once held. I rememeber thinking how beautiful it was when I ordered it and all I wanted was to walk down that isle and have Jared see me in it. I am starting to doubt that will ever happen. What is it with some guys? What is so scary about marriage? I honestly, truely love him so much. As most of you know... I was supposed to be married on March 21st, 2010. So it is not like a big secret. I had everything planned. A beautiful winter wedding in Leavenworth, wa. Red roses and floating candles in a cabin set in the woods. GORGEOUS! Three weeks before the wedding.. he isn't ready. I know most of you are thinking (Leave him), but it is much more than that. If you are ready to say I do to someone than you can not just toss them at the throw of a hat. So here I am waiting. Waiting for the day he says he is ready to marry me. Until now.. I am cursed

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Jessica (or Jiggela as we have come to love you as). I want to let you know you are not alone...feeling emotions, wearing them on your sleeve and feeling cursed like nothing in life is going the way you think or want it to go are all experiences I know too well. I am 40 now and have come to accept a few things and change my perspective from these being bad attributes to being actually pretty good ones that come in handy once in a while. First I had to really dig down and figure out how to love myself for who I was and how I was. No one is perfect (despite what they like to think sometimes) so having good characteristics and then some that need a little tweaking is normal and a good thing. Think if everyone was perfect...what opportunity for growth would exist, where would change come from, nothing would be unique, different or special? We would all be grey blobs in a grey world-YUCK! Secondly I had to come to the realization that my life was primarily what I made it or believed it to be...meaning I myself could limit or expand my perspectives and attitude...I could choose how I viewed my life (positive or negative). This is hard to do because it makes you realize that some of the things that happen in our lives we choose in one fashion or another. I dont mean like "i choose to step in front of that car" (cuz that would be just stupid. Sometimes I sit and think about how life would be different had I made different choices in my relationships or career and while it is not entirely bad to ponder our decisions at some point you realize you can choose to be a victim of yourself/others or not. While this is wisdom way beyond even my years and it sounds good on paper it is one of the most difficult things to do consistently and constructively. Lastly, some things in life happen for a reason that while in the moment, we neither understand or enjoy, is in the end what is best for us. This is where faith comes in...again looks easy but its hard to do. Life is a journey down a winding river but know that you have inside of yourself a set of paddles that you can use to direct yourself-sometimes its best to "go with the flow" while other times you need to paddle like hell to change course. know that you are loved and it will all be OK.

*Edelweiss* said...

I really appreciate that. It means a lot to have someone understand my crazy feelings. You made it sound tons better!