January 19, 2011

*Maybe we should stop pretending*

I really need to get out a few things that have been on my mind and maybe it will help me find some peace with it. In a month I will be marrying my best friend. I am excited because I see my parents who have been married 23 years and I know marriage is nothing but beautiful. It has its ups and downs but for the most part it is beautiful. Jared and I like everyone else in the world has come from some pretty hard situations. Lets start from the beginning. On august 30th, 2008 I met Jared. He was goofy, funny, cute, and outgoing. We were young and fell quickly. We started saying "I Love You" after 3 weeks of knowing each other. It was young love. We made a stupid decision to have a baby. Even looking back on this we are not quite sure why we thought we would be able to do this. Sadly after only a couple weeks of finding we were pregnant we discovered that we lost the baby. It was the saddest day of my and Jareds life. While sitting in the E.R. being told the horrific news it almost seemed like "Playing House" was coming to an end. After a couple days of being quite we both knew that thhe losss needed to be filled. For those who have ever lost a baby you know what I mean. We knew we were young and barely knew each other but needed to have that feeling again. When we found out we were pregnant with Sophie it was the happiest and scariest day of my life. All I could think of was losing this baby as well. A month or two later Jared and I realized just how much we would pay for OUR selfishness. We couldn't afford rent and had debt up to our knees. We had nowhere to live and knew the only place we could go was Washington. My parents had a huge house and were willing to help us out. We will always feel such an amazing thankfullness towards them. It was hard having to admit to my parents that we failed and moving back to the City I hated. Jared and I BOTH hated Washington. For almost a year we saved every penny we had. I was forced to stop working at about 5 months along due to the many complications I have. When Sophie was born we had managed to pay off EVERYTHING we owed. Within two months of Sophie's life we moved out on our own. Jared had an amazing job and so did I. WE lived in a gorgeous Town home that we were proud of. Oregon soon became smaller and smaller as we BOTH realized it was too much too afford. My mother graciously watches Sophie for us while we work. In december we decided it was finally a good time to get married. Sadly, with very little support from Jareds side, we decided it wasnt the time to get married. It was hard knowing that ALL of my friends and family took jared in like family and yet next to none of his even toke the time of day to get to know me. I will say that his family has been accepting though. We are coming upon our wedding day again and I can't help but feel I can no longer sit back and except things are. I will not continue to feel as if people think I forced Jared to move to Washington and that I forced Jared to get pregnant. He made his bed just as I did. If people have heard differently take into consideration that sometimes it is hard to be honest to people knowing they think you screwed your life up. That is just it though..we LOVE our life. We now have a 4 bedroom house and get to watch our daughter grow into the most beautiful person. I am not the kind of person that would marry someone if I had a shadow of a doubt in my mind they didnt love me. But, I know after everything we have been through the Jared is my best friend. He is someone I can count on to make me laugh even when we had nothing. I can remember when all we could do was eat Taco Bell as a date night and I was 7 months pregnant...but happy. I write this with tears in my eyes because I have never felt so relieved to say these things. I just hope people can learn to be accepting and move on. Maybe people would be honest about being happy if they didnt feel a constant pressure to be unhappy...

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