September 17, 2012

What I thought breastfeeding would be...

Before Violet was born I wanted nothing more but to breastfeed. I read every book and listened to every bit of advice anyone would give to me. When the day came it was magical and beautiful and worked SO much better than it did with Sophie. Over the next couple months I kept telling myself things like "Wow breastfeeding is so easy and amazing" or "It is so nice to not have to make a bottle"..but then 4 months hit and Violet's weight gain plummeted. My perfect breastfeeding relationship came crashing down. Immediately the thought is that something was wrong with my supply. I started doing everything to increase her weight gain. I would feed her 8-10 times a day and pump in between every one of those feedings. Breastfeeding was no longer simple..I was no longer lazy. I barely had a time to catch my own breath and was obsessed with helping her to gain weight. I wanted nothing mroe than to have one of those plump babies. Plump babies mean people respect your breastfeeding relationship. People think your milk is healthy if you have a plump baby. When people looked at Violet they viewed my milk as not good enough. Soon enough I started to realize the wasnt was me! I viewed my milk as horrible. Everytime somebody made a comment about how small Violet was..I took a hit to my ego. Her weight gain got worse until we started upping her solids. We had to start adding olive oil to all of her foods and making foods with high calories. Feeding Violet was/is a chore. The day was consumed with pumping/nursing/making baby food/ baby led weaning/ feeding. I suddenly missed the days when she was younger. We could just leave and only need to bring a couple stress. My boobs went with me everywhere. Now Im doing as much as a nursing mother AND bottle feeding mother. I do it for my daughter though. When I want to quit I think back to being pregnant and wanting nothing more than to breastfeed my daughter. I realize that if you want soemthing..sometimes it doesnt come easy and you have to work for it. So even though many tears are being shed with horrible weight checks, good weight checks, pumping...some day I will look back on this and be proud that I nourished my baby <3 p="p">


No comments: